TLDR: Yes I'm okay, no don't ask me if I need to talk.
I think 3 days is long enough where I owe y'all an explanation (and I think I can commit for longer) so here we are. "Where he go?" to touch grass. The internet was killing me faster than I was killing myself so I had to put on the brakes, mostly discord being my go to "bored for 3 seconds? check it" app and combining with competetive gaming being atrocious for me lead me to spiraling into caring too much about video games and exploding about em. I realized this after malding really hard about GBVSR when Inv dmed me and talked about "I don't want you to get mad at the whole genre" or something like that and I was like, "damn it's not just fighting games, it's every game I put any amount of effort into". 1st it was smash bros, then tf2, then skugs. Each time with a shorter turn around time until i9 had to quit em. So what now? Force myself to get away from em. Basically uninstalling discord from everything but my school computer (school club I run uses discord) and uninstalling all my fighting games (reinstalled skugs today because labbing can't be that bad right guys?:clueless:) so I'm outie from basically all my online communites* for the foresseable future. I wish I could say it's given me time to think but it's really just given me time to relax more and play other games, also being on my phone a lot less in public/at school since I'm not mindlessly checking discord every 3 seconds. That's definitely been like THE thing that changed and it's mostly good. Actually looking around at sutff is nice until my brain freaks out and starts telling me it isn't real :/ I have a lot of stuff to work through ranging from long buried emotional nonsense, to suicidal and homicidal ideation, and even dissacociation and delusions. But it's not that bad yet! Removing my main distraction is making me notice everything a whole hell of a lot more but trading increasingly frequent MAJOR outbursts for near constant tiny reminders seems to be a good trade so far :) So I'm gonna try and keep it up for just about as long as I can or as long as I feel I should. Especially with college looming over me I think this'll help me out in the long run. Focusing on making real life connections and learning to make friends and talk to people sounds like a good plan! I've been reading up on schizotypal personality disorder and I'm pretty convicned I've got it, hence the self diagnosis tweet. So that's something :/ Hooray for being able to point at something I guess? Not like it's well known at all though so it's more of a novelty than anything :/ But it's a start! Which reminds me before people tell me to go to therapy no thanks it sucked EVERY time. My parents sent me when I was much younger (elementary) I thought it was because of anger issues because every meeting the lady would ask "What are you here for?" and I thought it was anger so i said anger issues and it's all we ever talked about (I just internalized bottling up my anger REALLY WELL so if I'm malding hard at a game it's just complaining and if I'm ACTUALLY really mad most I can do is slam doors) but according to my mom I was dragging sharp rocks on my arms and thats why she sent me (side note, i threatend to kill myself over a math problem in 3rd grade) She also0 kind of used it like a threat "Oh, do we need to send you to Miss Pats?" and i was alsways like "No... :(" because I didn't like it and I told her that. Sometimes it was good, other times not. Hurt way more than it helped in the long run because look at me now :p Last year things also got pretty bad so I signed up for a school run therapy program. The lady didn't really help that much but being able to cut out 45 mins of my french class to complain was pretty sweet so I kept going. Until this year I told her that i had had/been having thoughts of burning down the school (cuz it sucks) and she reported it, which got me interviewed by the cops, (after an assembly mind you) and the basically arrested and put in the hospital w/o my consent. They TRIED to put me in the psychward but my uncle and mom are awesome so they let me leave in the mkorning w/o going to the psychward proper because I needed to keep my retainer in. (charged 100 bucks for staying in the er tho EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T SIGN THE PAPER AND CHECKED THE BOX REFUSING TREATMENT >:( so I stopped going because I can't trust her (can't trust anyone when the entire world is out to get you i've learned("Even me?" yes even you entire world means everyone even me)) so now I'm on my own again. People have reached out and I appreciate the thought but I'm not gonna spill my heart for an internet stranger (yes I know we're friends but internet friends is like aquantance level on my trust scale and you should know I trust basically no one(yes i see the irnoy in posting my heart publically instead but ot doesn't count if no one talks to me about it PLUS none of you guys reading are real so it's okay)) so I awkwardlly say something to not seem like an ass but it helps me more if I can schizopost in peace. RN I'm htting the that one song from dear evan hansen where they're just waiting for college. My mom hyped it up something fierce so if I can't make actual human connections there it's ACTUALLY over so then I can do a terrorism and/or throw my body in the sea (depends if i can cook something worthwhile to do in my final act) but until then I can hold out hope (dying a virgin is lame :P, yes sex is on my mind that much I'm a teenager with unrestriceted internet access sorry mom) so I have some things to work on. On the good days I'm working to work and on the bad days I'm working to go home to my furry porn and video games. Also kitty she is like the one thing not actively going after me :) (she's part of the plan tho, if things were too terrible then I would just kill myself early and that would cut short the maximum amount of suffering so they give me some positive things (usually double edged swords) but sometimes it's a pure benefit like kitty) In the end tho if I kill myself or not, if I just drop off the face of the internet or nhot, or if I just come back in a week because I'm a pussy know it wasn't your fault, specifically** (you are a cog in the world machine working towards my downfall) and with that in mind I SHOULD just ignore you guys but I'm weak and I'm hooked and you guys are so good at your jobs you got me questioning if the wrld machine is ACTUALLY out to get me or if I'm insane (hitting myself with thye double think of "the world is out to get me" and "you are insane and suffering from delusions") There are two retards inside me, one says "KILL EVERYONE WITH YOUR WATER BOTTLE YOU CAN WIN THEY WANT YOU DEAD NOTHING IS REAL" the other says "Don't listen to him get some help, god is on your side you can make things right" (in reality it's 4 of them (2 represented by all caps, one just liek that one to a lesser degtree, and two represented by regular syntax both combined in that example but the "two wolves inside you" (haha two wolves inside MY ASS) can't be made with 4) and I'm managing for now. Trudge along to get a piece of paper (diploma) so I can get another piece of paper (degree) so I can trudge for more paper (money) so I can enjoy life(ish) so it's all pointless no matter how I look at it. The diffrence is are the rest of you real so if it gets bad enough should I do something with my death and can I game the world machine into makein thing nice for me abusing the few pleasures it gives. Leave YOUR (YES I MEAN YOU GO TO http://octovender.123Guestbook.com/ AND TYPE SOMETHING RN!!!!!) WORDS! (I like social interaction clicks :P) I think that's jsut*** about all of it so bye bye for now, I might start tweeting all updates to the site so maybe keep your eyes open :)
*Discords gonna be checked around noon my time most tuesdays thrusdays, twitter checked around once a day (when I tweet), and my email (octovender@gmail.com) gonna be check whenever
** OTG bros been mad helpfull, rice field workers are cool, and my friendly bronx club members been real ones too
*** Yes I know theres probably a trillion spelling errors but I don't care. Neocities has no inbuilt spellchecker and I'm not typing this on google docs or something then pasting revision takes the whole point out of this. Like I said before, grammar is easy spelling is hard (ignore the fact i ignored grammar the entie time too :P)