Okay people might be cool actually? Like, hanging out is worthwhile and MAYBE forming connections is a risk worth taking? Like, I forgot it was cool to just stand around and talk to people about stuff sometimes. Doing it with cool people for once in a million years really put things into perspective. The fact the asked if I was havin a good time was so WEIRD like...? Yeah? I'm here ain't I? I understood the concern because I was just standing there barely talking, and if I did only adding like a handful of words tops but I mean you take me from not taking time to just talk for SO LONG and just saying "here you go welcome to the forming friendgroup" it was shocking and I didn't really know how to keep pace because I was in over my head. It felt like I was almost studying them, not in a scientist disecting subjects way but more of a natural researcher sort of way, except I'm observing advanced aliens who want me to join in on their alien rituals and I have to be like "okay yeah cool I'm involved enough right now" AND THEN ACTUALLY MEAN IT BECAUSE JUST BEING NEAR PEOPLE IS COOL I GUESS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I can't even say it was hard because just being there was enough for me to have a good time and the stock reactions were practiced enough that I don't think it was creepy. The worst part was when they asked if I was hanging in there because, again, like obviously I am? Coming from a world where you just do things to do them and then being confronted with people who think that I wouldn't is strange. Why would I stick around if I didn't want to? Why would I go to the burger place if I didn't want to? It's so strange and surreal seeing everyone else enjoy themselves and tangetially being a part of it. Especially with the implication that I could be a part of it in the future still. Scary thought! So the moral is keep going to debate practice, and then keep hanging out afterwards, and then maybe make plans? There was a lot of talk about romance as normal subjects (exes) and because two of the people were kind of flirting I think? They set up a date anyways but that was the stuff I was most lost on. I hate to admit it but I did tear up a little bit when they were talking about their exes because I was like "damn I don't have one of those" and it almost felt like I wasted my life, because I kind of did. I realize it, and realize it, and realize it again through so many means and each time I slide the scale towards doing THINGS. Before playing Snoot I know I wouldn't have just gone to the burger place. I would have weighed it, then decided against because I had already and didn't want to intrude but now I went, because I need connections, the people are cool, and I was invited. It might be hard but I am reminded that it is worth doing. I also think She helped, probably in the decision to go to the burger place. The typical weighing was kind of suppressed and pushed back. Snoot game tipped the scales, She skipped the formal process. Together I just went and it was nice. I should do Things more. I AM trying! And I need to keep trying! Because it's hard! Because it might just matter! Because I can! Because I have to! Thank you! Thanks to Her!
I love stories with thia subject matter because they feel very personal and representative I hate storiea with thia subject matter because they feel unrealistic and will never happen to me I thought I got over fantasy escapism but post-canon existentialist fanfiction gives me the escape that I can have good friends who deeply and truly care about me as a person AND I CAN TALK TO THEM DOUBLE AND THAT HAS A CHANCE OF FIXING ANYTHING I'm like if you cut the sburb out of dave, and then took away his friends and gave him the egbert depression. So really john egbert if he could harness the power of irony and work on something. I feel so fake all the damn time and I hate it, so much but theres nothing I can really do. I lost the real me, possibly over a decade ago. All thats left is a meat engine that moves on the railroad of my life. Picking up distractions to trick me into not killing myself or going homeless. I'm afraid that if I read HS again I'd relate to Dirk. But most of Dirks arc in canon is Jake and I'm gonna be alone forever, and his post canon stuff is dealing with his power and importance which I'l never have. Maybe I need to copy his candy self. In other news I have a supra natural beings representitive/splinter in my head now so thats fun. Got tired of the music box in there playing too loud while i was trying to sleep, called out, got help, and now the is an invited guest in my brain. A witch. She offers all the solutions to my problems if I turn on everythig I've worked towards and done for the past 10 years. Everything I've worked to grow into and become. All the lessons I've learned. All the armor I've doned. She wants me to throw it away and revert to the weak little boy I was. To dare to love and play and have close friends. It disgusts me, and it intrigues me. She says I'll lose in the end, and I know I will too. I just can't see it. You don't get a supranatural being in your brain and win. But I can't imagine losing and being alive. So either I die literally, or I die figuratively. Putting it like this maybe I should renounce the power and return to the ocean. God I want to kill myself. It would be so easy. The only things I have to live for a fleeting, insignificant, or not mine. Damn to do list... i want it all and I want it gone. Nothing is mine ad I am the world. Goodnight forever. Happy halloween.
just finished watching paranoia Agent, it was peak. TLDR maniwa is the goat and you must always accept things as they are and work towards improving things. There is no easy way out. really rare for me to just watch a show, emjoy it, and get something out of it. Like it just made sense. I feel like a lot of people probably try and dig deep into it for the lore or the symbolism but I really don't think that's necesary. The show spells it out for you directly in E11 with the speech, and then ties it in to the plot, and then executes on it showing that if you accept reality it wprks out, spares yourself, and others. I suppose Maniwa expositing on the cyclical nature of it all could mean something but I just interpret it as status quo, no one learns their lesson forever. The new maromi cat is proof of that. It just works really well as a contained series of animation. I have nothing to complain about! Writing is good, music is GREAT, pacing is good, jokes are funny. I mean, Etc. felt out of place when i watched it but seeing how Lil slugger grows right after it makes a lot of sense. 10/10 I have no notes go watch, it didn't "feel" like a life changing 10/10, but not everything has to! It was exactly what I needed to hear right now in my life so it worked out wonderfully, and because of that I'm being generous and scoring reductively. Thanks 5 reading!! bye!!!
A boy starea down a long path to the sea, he doesn't know what lies at that end of this path, but he knows he must walk it regardless. And so, he steps onwards. It starts flat, he gets acustomed to the terrain, he gains his footing, and he reads the signs littered along the trail. And the path continues, many of the signs he sees are wrong, they lead him astray and he gets turned around, or walks to a dead end. He learns to ignore the signs. But he stays the course, there is no other option. Suddenly the boy is faced with a steppe, seeing no way around he decides to circle the edge. Suddenly the ground goes out from beneath him, he wasn't ready for this, but it doesn't matter. He slides down the hill, his landing is soft. And so he continues down the trail. He bumps into a sign, this one helps him. He avoids another cliff face. This sign points to others, maybe those signs are worth following too. But theres even more signs on this portion of the trail, and the boy can't bring himself to read those. He keeps walking. Eventually it starts to rain. The boy hears thay the rain will only last 3 days, and he keeps walking, the ray persists, and he keeps walking, but eventually he reaches another steppe. The ground is muddy and slick, but they boy approaches the edge, and the cliff gives way. The rain continues, and the boy stays in the mud for a very long time. The mud starts to feel nice after a time, and the rain relaxes him. But nothing lasts forever, the rain stops and the boy must keep moving. He stayed in the mud so long that he forgot the value some signs bring. No matter, those signs got washed away in the rain he thinks, and he keeps walking. He walks for a long, long while. Ignoring signs, only interacting with the dirt beneath his feet. Nothing more than a glance to see he's still on the right track. He excels at following the path. After many days, and many nights the boy finds a feather in his way. He doesn't know what to do with it, he has never seen anything like this before. So he keeps it in his pocket, but the feather changes something slightly in him. He begins to look at the signs again, to look for something resembeling that feather. But now he reaches another cliff face, he has run out of signs to turn too. The man has nothing but a feather, and he must jump.
Something quick I wrote at 2am when i couldn't sleep, hope you enjoyed! I didn't really enjoy writing it but I also really needed to express how I was feeling about being shipped off to college so whatever, it's here now.
I was pissed, people on /snoot/ started talking about Mr.Rape vs The Booper fight to the death. I wanted to try writing about it. I wrote about. I'm not pissed anymore. Thank you Mr.The Booper. 
It feels like the rest of my life is right in front of me. I've never really had to "cross a gap" or "turn a new page" in my life before. I was always sort of eased into it. I stayed in the same school from elementary to 6th, and transfered for 7th so middle school wasn't a whole new thing. My freshman year of highschool was all online, there was no welcoming comitee, I was just there once we came back. Now I'm shipping off to the far north and I have no idea what to do about it. A whole new life in 30 days. New people, new places, new EVERYTHING. I have no idea what I even can do. I just need to keep pushing I suppose, been on this road since the day I went to kindergarten right? Suburban white boy life plan, go to school, to go to school, to go to school, to get a paper, to go to school, to get a paper, to get MORE paper, to not die. Been saying this forever right? Why now does it suddenly feel important? School is school right? it's just... odd. Knowing everything will change soon. Knowing my entire life is going to be left behind, reserved for holidays. There's things to look forward to, I'm excited to learn about fish after all, and the idea of forming deep and genuine human connections after all these years is really tantalizing. It all comes back to that right? Damn. Really if it weren't for cavemanon I wouldn't be worrying at all. "You can handle clubs, they have clubs, just go to the clubs". I was already active in the UCSD FGC club right? same difference up there. But now I KNOW there's more and I KNOW that I want it. Something stirred in my heart when I finished Wani, something that was planted when I finished Snoot game. I still can't really put it in to words but knowing that I can do it, or at least feeling that way, did a lot for me. If these losers can do it, so can I right? And sure it's just a video game, but it was a push I needed, a push to say "if you don't try, no one ever will"a push telling me that coasting by in the background gets you nowhere and nothing. Anon was me, I wanted to be invisible, i wanted to just subsist on video games and webcomics forever. Inco wasn't me, he was just unfortunate and basic, but Iadakan had good advice, advice that was for me. It's sappy and dumb to relate to fictional characters, it's even sappier and even dumber to act like they changed your life, but it's not like I can say they didn't right? Just look at the past two blog posts, in a week my attitude changed enough to seize a chance I never would have before, to do THINGS, to dare, and dream, to connect. People are scary, but sometimes they can be worth it I guess. I never trusted that before, I never trusted a connection beyond aquantance, beyond hanging out sometimes in rare cases. I want to trust more now, I want to CARE, to be ABLE to care. SG told me apathy is wrong, but didn't show how to fix that issue. Wani connected the dots, tied it together, I think getting the endings I got in the order I got them was the most important thing really. "No one ever changes" is wrong, and you have to keep going. I can change too, and now I'm being forced too for the first time in my life. No more additive improvements, no more making the same mistakes in different ways. I want to say I'll be coming in swinging, but really this is me just stepping up to the plate. Maybe I'll strike out, maybe I'll get hit in the head with the ball, but I've seen that it's better than the dugout. You know what they say right? We ball.
Also I wrote a greentext a few days ago about this same type of thing so I'll slap that in here too since i feel it's applicable. These games REALLY did a lot for me so I don't mind expressing it a lot in a lot of different ways. Who knows, maybe a cheesy ass poem is next :p
It keeps coming back to me in my mind, the feeling of missing something. The feeling that there is more out there. The feeling i just need to reach out and touch it. Grab my destiny by the horns, grab my future. That all it take is one thing to go right and it'll all be okay, that'll matter again. But then it creeps in, that I can't do anything about it "just wait till college" but isn't that what I've been saying? What's different now? Are two visual novels really enough to change a mans life? Am I ready ride, or will I sit at the station watching the trains roll on by? Before I'd say nothing changed, that I'm still the same and I'll live in fear and shame until the day I die. But the 4th of July man, I NEVER could have done that before. It's not a crossed gap, it's not a huge leap, but it's a step down the right road. A step saying "you can do it, it's not impossible" a choice made, a path subconsiously commited too. The path of progress and personality. The path of action and connection. Video games may not be a substitute for real friendships or connections, but they can sure as hell reinforce the values of them in your mind. If they can do it, I can too! I'll make the choices, I'll try the things, I'll make art sometimes. Thank you Inco, thank you Anon, you guys suck.
Hey I'm back, this time no to just scream about my feelings, shocker I know. But I'm here to talk about a nice little Visual Novel called I Wani Hug That Gator. Developed by Cavemananon, the same studio responsible for Snoot game (see 3/28/24). BEOFRE READING ANY FIRTHER I RECCOMEND PLAYING THE GAME!!!!! I WILL BE DISCCUSSING SPOILERS!!!!! AT LEAST WATCH THE TRAILER!!!!! IT'S ON SALE AS OF WRITING FOR THE STEAM SUMMER SALE FOR ONLY 7.50 GO PLAY IT!!!!! With obligatory warning out of the way which I'm sure everyone followed, now we can get in to the meat and potatoes. The game's good, like so good. I was tearing up at the ending (I got ending 3) but it just didn't hit the same as Snoot game, and I think I know why. The game felt easier, like in Snoot game practially all of the choices required consideration, and it was hard to tell what was right, especially with Anon as the narrator. You could see clear flaws. Inco seemed too, well adjusted I guess. Even when he accidentally says something ableist that upsets Olivia it's rarely if ever brought up again or addressed. I suppose it makes sense considering the carachters and all but it felt almost contrived. Maybe my heart just grew three sizes from Snoot and I've learned to be a much better person so the choices were easier but still. It didn't diminish the experience at all but I felt more alien as the player, possibly that's just because of how easily Inco made friends, but it's just as possible that it felt the story almost wrote itself. I could see where the "plot cutouts" were and could surmise what would happen from either choice. Obviously since I got ending 3 I wasn't perfect. I suppose the core of it lies in the fact Inco is a better person than Anon (I haven't played E1, so I wouldn't know about that) but throughout the game Inco just sincerely tries not just to be Olivias friend, but Liv and Damians too. This really was apparent to me when they all ate at the rotating restaurant, Anon would NEVER try and bring the group together, LET ALONE try and fix the resulting mess. Inco felt almost too nice at times, like his only flaw was a slip of the tounge that was all too easily forgotten. Even the games theme felt more, blase I guess is the term I'm looking for. Pushing forward to be true to yourself and to pursue your art is a great message, don't get me wrong, but compared to he idea that no one ever changes it almost fell flat. Of course I'm comparing a good end to a bad, which is more than a little unfair I still feel it's worth addressing. Wani hit good, but it hit different. Up and to the left of the hole Snootgame left in my heart. It resonated with me for sure, but almost on a more surface level. I'm not getting my personality challenged and my views flipped, I'm getting the idea of taking "artistic" photos on my phone and being a dweeb with this website. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing "be true to yourself" as a talking point, or maybe I'm trying to give Snootgame too much credit. Either way Wani still had an impact on me, I was tearing up at SEVERAL points no doubt, but it won't leave quite as big a mark as it's predecesor. I do think I'll try to work on my creative endeavors a little more, at the very least. Every one of these games has pushed me to become a better person, not a person i can be proud of just yet, but a person who's trying. I'm glad I played these games while I was still technically in highschool (summer after graduating counts right?) because even if the expereince are alien, and the ideas are foreing, it inspires me for the future. "Maybe I can have friends like that" "Maybe I can have a relationship like that" I just need to try. If Inco just sat at their table at lunch and only talked to Damian, nothing would have ever changed. I guess the biggest thing I internalized from Wani is that you need to try, which I suppose is what Iadakan was teaching in the end. I'm excited, and admittedly scared for what lies ahead in my life but I don't dread it. If Inco can be happy with a small group of friends, then I can be happy just the same. It just takes a little time,, and a lot of caring.
funny go brr (archival purposes go brr aswell) 
Don't know how to format poetry properly on the site so have an image
forgot to plug the game itself. DONWLOAD NOW AT THE LINK!!!! https://snootgame.xyz/
oh MY GOD snoot game. JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!! I haven't been gut punched like this since NITW i have a hole in my stomach that can ponly be filled with more peak i thougt NITW was the only one nope nope nope!!!!! #2 game on the list of games that are my favorites but i can't tell people they are my favorites because then they will treat me weird. GOD DAMNIT ANON WHY ARE TERRIBLE AAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE YOU MUCH!. He is me but also I can fix him but also I hate him it's not FFFAAAIIIIRRRRRRRR. You can tell I got the infinite sadness ending can't you? God I need to replay but you can't replay a game like this, that ruins the whole point. I mean anon got what he wanted, a life all alone but JESUS man you COULDA TALKED TO HER AT THE END, OR APOLOGIZED AFTER THE BEACHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. FUCKING HELL you know a game is good when it makes you scream internally. I couldn't put my feelings on NITw but i def can for Snoot Game. FUCK buying GBVH this game solos AND its free brooo. I have no idea if it worked better since I'm a loser in highschool halfway through senior year and has the almost exact same problems as anon but man I can't even say i relate all that much. He got friends, I can only wish for that. but at the same time I'm a club president and can talk to people kinda so??????? Anon is me and also I love him and I can fix him. Losers are my type I hate to say it but like, maybe it's the thing from that one chick from welcome to the nhs. I need to fix you so i can feel better about myself. Still think it's funny how I stopped watching after she said that. Self introspection is so easy when you can mask it to yourself through several layers of irnoy and coping that it's mental illness. It's harder showing that to yourself through a game charachter you would only slightly hesitate to describe as "litterally you" (same as nitw mae is me but also i love her) MAN I must SUCK SO BAD. At least this time I can "talk" about it and not just wander thoughtlessly around my house for 3 hours. I need to find the Snoot Game soundtrack that helped recontextualize NITW was a hole punching gut wrenching experience of a life time to something I could jack off too. Art is too good and it ruins my life >:( Man judging by how much i've cursed in here you GOTTA KNOW how DAMN GOOD this game is. GO PLAY NOW BEST VISUAL NOVEL SHARKDATING SIM XL AND XS CAN SUCK MY NUTS!!!!!!!!!! This game had me enthraled all the way through it's so damn good I need to play it again but I can never play it again that will ruin everything i hate my life why can you only ecperience things for the first itm eonce oh my god i need to make a real group of friends dudeeeeee. Guess I really am like anon needing random people to swoop in and engineer my social life to make any friends. Shoutout naomi btw she rocks. Alas i am giga loser who can't trust himself let ALONE anyone else. I let someone just go "yeah I told you this already" when they didn't earlier today because I genuinely couldn't be sure (also said some not choice bad politacl takes that I can only belibve through 17 layers of irony whoops) but I think it's fine enough since i think they're also desperate enoguh maybe?>? idk maybe I hang out with my 3 tiered associations half through my borther at lunch when nintendo club isn't going. if it wasn't for the stupid ass muslims monopolizing the library for no reason i'd be hosting worms but nnnooooo we need the enitre building for all of lunhc, no one can enter for ANY reason. gadamn y'all can just use a regular classroom jesus what if i need a book? no one had answers either when i asked about cheking out a book too. whatever i'm off topic whining about school ik it's for ramadan but the whole library? really??? I think thats the play next monday, talk with them because they seem nice enough and welcoming enough and also charlie is there I think sometimes and they're cool (closest friend i have in school and it's not even that close and they're also the ones who .. whatever i mentioned it not explaing again dm if you care THAT much(which you don't obvi :heart:(lesser than 3 won't work in html sorry guys))) so anyways! I am anon and also mae and also i love them both but also not really because they're too good for me because they can have a close group fo friends i can't (because I can't trust anyone WHOOPS I MESSED MYSELF UP HAHA!!!!) and man everything is my fault jesus christ. Leave it to peak to help you realize it's all your fault and you're doping HS wrong because you can't even recognize "the highschool expereince" as one you can relate too, as a highschooler, who goes to e regular ass highschool. DAMN past me for being too bad at being normal to learn how to make myself super isolated without being a major target for any bullying! I never make the same mistake twice but I'm always making worse onces in the process. This really got off topic but I'm glad it did. I need to uninstall snoot game and start using 4chan so I can learn more about it but not ruin peak by replaying it. Also serving to remind me NOT to replay NITW with greg. mmaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn I suck so hard. fuck me and my shitty life. Maybe I can salvage it tho, I think I'm starting to understand the unspoken autism rizz so maybe i follow that lead if I didn't fumble TOO BAD today (maybe might have but i sincerely doubt it, go down enough on the social ladder and falling off your rung lands you on the floor, withy them(this is why i love losers)) So maybe i try (and fail miserably but i can say i tried y'know?) and ask em to do something in a few weeks or over spring break since i have their number, actually I like that idea a lot. friends can hang out and text eachother to hang out, I think we count as freinds. WHATEVER I'M RAMBLING TOO LONG sorry this was supposed to be about snoot game because HOLY EMOTIONS MAN I need to sleep on these FUCK. goodnight internet, I love you too
Was gonna tweet something but it went on too long so it goes here now, remind me to finish wifey zone It's just not my night deserves a reread
Was about to hit my 5th whiny baby tweet so i decided to open up neocities instead. Because MAN do I hate seeing other people succeed like ik I'm suppossed to be happy for y'all or whatever but your existence is diametrically opposed to mine and it isn't fair so like die? please?? Another thing I'm noticing more after coming back is how much i can tend to adjust what I'm typing sometimes. Born to act insane forced to tone it down a lil. Like even writing here sometimes I gotta put it on hold for a sec. Mostly comes up with the :)s because atp I can't tell if it's reflexive ironic detachment or genuine emotion most of the time. CURSE YOU JREG FOR MAKING M THINK ABOUT THIS AND CURSE YOU HOMESTUCK DAVE STRIDER FOR MAKING ME THINK IRNOY IS COOL AND CURSE YOUB TEREZI HOMESTUCK FOR MAKING ME THINK EMOTICONS ARE COOL!!!!!!!!!! it all sucks all the time and It's my fault but it's not my fault because the world is out to get me (i am double think master supreme 1984 got nothing on me suck it oprwell) but it all sucks all the time (even when it doesn't) I was so conviced today was gonna be a good day too i got up0 early went to school on time the weather was great had it all planned, until I finished with the esports game and then joined gg8b and then was bad the video game (drop half my combos bad) so i layed around in diffrent spots and tried sharpening my knife to cut myself but its too dull so womp womp i'll use the lighter next time like before (cool face scars my beloved) so it all sucks all the time thats my tedtalk goodbye go killyourself so i can feel better about not having done that yet thanksssss. Also curse people for tolerating me because I can't hate them but I can't like them because they are better than mer in alkl conceivable ways and also out to get me 99.999999% chance +1% so please block me on everything so i can killmyself in peace (but also don't because I will be oh so very very sad all of the time i need the hallucianotry beings inside my computer to distract me from the horros of being myself)
Caught myself a case of existence dysphoria. Only cure is a medicated bullet it to the brain.
Pull my skin off and be free. From existing as me
Killing yourself as an act of rebellion. Killing yourself to be right in life
My skin is wrong. My eyes are wrong. My face is wrong.
The flesh is weak, won't you help me make it strong?
Love it when i just feel sick for a whole day and it's 110% in my head. I just get down on myself and just enter zombie mode and it sucks! Went around a cool abandoned zoo in LA and the whole time i as sulking because my soul juust wasn't up for it??? idk????????? Then if even a smidgen of my brain goes "Hey maybe it's-" the rest goes "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP NO INTROSPECTION THAT'S BAD YOU'LL CRY" so I stop and keep being sad. Went to cool mueseum too and they had a fursone (might give him a wifey page idk) but it was for the Moultons and just had a bunch of cool historic artifacts from the wild west era, buncha photos too. All for free! Didn't stop me from just kinda walking around behind a nice volunteer lady and just letting her tell me about it going "wow" "cool" everytime because that's all my brain could muster. Like yes! It was cool! So wake up and pay attention! But not it barely pulled me out of it so womp womp :( Going insane and hating yourself for litterally no reason when you should be partyin or something (idk what teenagers do) Lost my train of thought after googling up the moulton bloodlines fursona and got distracted so whoopsies. I am gonna give him a wifey page as practice for the TRUE wifey (i need to move photos from my phone to neocities) but El Toro had nothing online so I might be the 1st one uploading photos of his stickers and signs so hooray(?)! for me! (even tho this won't show on google for moulton mueseum El Toro either) Anyways heres the photo of the fursiut they have of him (nice lady who showed me around is circled) this image won't be going on the wifey page so y'all get it here
Woah! Actual* web dev stuff????? Yeah man I made a new page wahoo! It's a page for weirdos (me and myself) but whatever. Great thing about purposfully shuting yourself out from others is that they can't call you wierd for being weird:P (be yourself or whatever right?) so we have the wifey zone now (updates coming soon but I think 2 is enough for me to post about esp since i spent a few hours working on it) funny thying is despite how many images i uploaded its still is nothing compared to the 1gb total i have for the site so wifey zone isn't leaving anytime soon :) Check it out if you want to see a bunch of images I uploaded of charachters who are peak I also changed the dates from h2 to h3 so that's something
*I don't think shoving a bunch of jpgs on a page counts as real web dev but I put time into and it was way more work than this blog so I'm counting it
I would say happy new year but where he go went up this year too so whatevs. You guys ever see an image and you just think "god I wish that was me in that image" like it's your idealised self? typing this out sounds like I'm gonna get hit with 15 trillion egg emojis but hear me out. This guy is just cool! When i was little I would always like to imagine myself as some slick, suave cool, cool guy zipping around killing bad guys, classic day dream stuff. But the charachterization stayed pretty consistent, slim, tall, fast, and kickass. But now I am only one of those things and it makes me sad. Long ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I am nobody, and will always be a nobody. The other thing I would day dream about near constantly, was being whisked away to another world where I was the protagonist. When I say near constantly I mean it too, like I walk in to the bathroom, imagine a portal opening in the stalls, I peak in and get sent to the world of PokemonTM and get to go on a cool adventure with friends that care about me (:')) or im sleeping and I imagine someone coming in through the window and I get to be part of the offbrand power rangers (with a group of friends who care about me). One time I had a dream so great I didn't want it to end, so i spent half a day wandering around the house muttering to myself being all the charachters (not chen and not bianca from pokemon black) until my dad made me sit down for lunch and I had to snap out of it. All of this without visuals btw (le epic aphantasia moment) I just get lost being someone better. I still do to be fair it's just more realistic (I still suck and am me) but just today i was going over in my head the conversation i would have with myself if I could summon clones of me to do my bidding (it was just a mutual agreement to be chill after discussing the morals of clones dissapearing after the task and going "yeah that would suck but it's diffrent than farm animals because rules for thee and not for me B) and then thinking about how we could only go to school half the time (the obligatory selfcest thoughts were hand waived with "I am very tired from summoning you Mr.Clone we'll do that later") so it's there I just don't get to be cool anymore. Idk what to make of it, I can come up with real conversations in ficticious scenarios in my head but not in writing is what I was gonna put but I remebered the last time i tried to write anything fictional there was no dialouge and that was several years ago so whoops idk then. It just adds together to make me even more discontent with life (or is it a byproduct of it?) but I guess day dreaming of a silly situation with my future wife is better(?) than day dreaming of being a pokemon master (best part of no visuals means I don't have to imagine pictures for the charachters and can hand waive looks) in the end it sucks but what can i do? It happens like 2nd nature at this point if I'm not doing anything. It's fun too, in the moment anyway. Playing dolls in your head, escaping the pain and sadness of existing in my sucky meat suit. Is it harmfull thought because it makes me discontent with the present? That's the whole reason i resigned to being a nobody (and started loving and connecting with generic military grunt (they get to be cool and go on adventures as a nobody)) I wish I could be cool. I also wish i could kill people so that doesn't mean much. Real question is which wins first, noob wish to be cool v.s pro wish to kill people v.s god wish to be lazy and stay home (v.s hacker wish to kill yourself). I also wish I could know. Confusion is the worst possible feeling, and boy am i confused! Like as a background state of being. I know what to do and how to do it but EVERYTHING ELSE is a mystery. Myself? Mystery. other people? Mystery. The world? Mystery. I just know they're all out to get me *insert lesser that 3 heart here because idk how to type that in html without it exploding* and that makes it make sense. Why does it suck to live? Every single fiber of every single being is out to get you personally so the fact you're still kicking is great! good on ya! except they want you to not die yet so that's why you not killing yourself is letting them win and any naive thought of gaming the system is part of their plan. BUT ALSO KEEP TRYING :)))))))). Either way I cut it I'm out to get myself too (all 3 of them) so womp womp I keep not dying so :/. Killing yourself is hard :( (killing other people is much easier) Anyways I think that's enough for today considering I started writing just becuase i was bored and now I'm a lil sad. Image that I was talking about earlier is attached at the bottom (dm me on twitter if you want sauce)
Named meirl because shoutout https://futabatori.neocities.org also hooray for following the neoctiies don't let your page be a dead end rule :))) Also also also shoutout Josey, Kura, and Meta Moyai for signing the guest book thanks guys that made my day (I just checked right now lol)
I met a stranger in my room
He told me the future could be better
He told me I could be better
He told me things could change
I killed him
I met a stranger in my room
He told me the past was better
He told me I was better
He told me things could change
I killed him
I met myself in my room
He told me nothing would get better
He told me I alwqays sucked
He told me nothing coould change
I need to kill him
Retroactive Merry Christmas internet, hope you're doing well. Started writing at 4:13 AM (>:])after binging like all of https://chillithevampireopossum.neocities.org/ (go read it) and felt like updating my page, but I didn't really think too far ahead so :P mostly just made me think about justifications for "trauma" like what constitutes as trauma and what constitutes as being a whiny little baby? Is it just if it affects you, if so how deeply? Is there a meaningful difrence between the two? I'm not sure, it's also crazy how easy the comic makes it look. Like I get the whole point is supposed to be trauma exploration and recovery adventures but it feels like friendship and loveTM save the day every time. Shoutout the mayor for just being a dick and not okay and having no one. Need more relatable charachters in media B) The thing that made me realize this about the comic was mostly the part where Synth/summer/whatever is reuniting with their soul and it's just like "tell us what's wrong" "okay here's what's wrong" "go solve it" "okay i wrote poetry problem is fix!!"'n i'm like she knew what was wrong????? and then fixed it just like that??????????????????? Maybe it is that easy and I'm just not giving my soul a chance to flee from my body and write poetry but like cmon man. I'll bet its for brevbities sake in the comic but the charachetrs are alwasy struggling, but never struggling it feels like. They go "aaaaa trauma" "but fiorendship" "ur right guys i love you :3" maybe I'm salty and jaded because I have no friends I can really be close to and talkik about it with. Talked to REDACTED about it 2day but it was weird, like i had to go about it in a half jokey way cuz like you cant explain how your brain is evil and wants you dead and so do the feds and also litteraslly the entire world without sounding weird (and they are listening) but like i need to tell someone. They off handedly talked about comingt over today technically and getting baked outta their mind so I moight steal some of my moms booze and talk then but maybe not. Ik weed gets me to say dumb stuff and booze does too but booze is at least fun and tastes good. weed turns of the inhibhitions but lets em stay so I feel weird about everything. Alchohol just washes everything away and it's nice. Happiness spiralTM. So if i'm luck and or feeling ballsy I'll do that. otheriwse i'll probably be home alone for the trillionth time this break (or get sloshed anyways and take a hike) but idk man. I stopped p;aying skugs btw, fr this time (hopefully) and I thinkl that'll help a lot. Told moose about a bunch of this stuff too when he asked but idk if he caught the severity or no and we haven't talked since. He was on the periphory of the peopl I regularly talked to in otg so it's not that bad if he hates me forever now so :P If people know I'm weird and ignore me forever it makes it easier for me to hide that i'm werird sooo... it works :) idk how weird weird is or if it even counts. REDACTED was talking about "silly girl autism" and I'm like huh, thats your flavor of mentqal illness you pick? nice. I have the suicidal schizopilled one and they were just like "i'm silly" when I was lowkey vebnting aboiut allat so :/ i have no one I can really talk to because it's either an online nobody who'll think I'm weird or tell everyone, REDACTED who won't listen to it (which kinda pisses me off because I'll listen to em whinhe for 5 4evers, but can't get the favor returned) or my parents who won't be able to help abd the suggest therapy (epic fed fail)(epic bottle up and repress eveyrthing fail) and it's too expensive anyways. Can't trust anyone anymore they all glow. I DRINK THE TAP WATER TO RESIST THE MIND CLONTROL! YOUR CHEMICALS ONLY MAKE ME MORE RESISTANT IN THE LONG RUN! I'LL STILL BE REAL WHEN THE WORLD ENDS! (I used to say that irnoically but now I feel like it's true in the back of my mind, did I tell you guys cats are psychic btw? they totally are like my plusheis bro trust) anywho i need meds but the meds wont help and even if they did the meds glow and cost a fortunee yada yada if you read this sign the guest book with a :P so I know how to block on all socials :) (i typeed :3 but it felt wrong thought you guys should know the :)))) is more my speed (its a tone indicator for me and me alone:)))))))))))))) So i might try to stay up all night because i can an 2 fix my sleep schedle :) wish me luckl gamers!!!!!! gon :) (okay pt2 adendmu added after editing but not worthy of a whole page someone is STILL awake besides me at 4:40am I hate ot here bro People are always up and I can just dick around all alone with evertyone asleep >:((((((((((((
I have a guesbook now so go say hi :) (it's when you click the link that says go say hi) I also figured out how to embed images and junk hosted from neocities so TADA!
I'm too lazy to resize it but it's there! yipee! (also works to shove down the more insane ramblings :P so enjoy this steve commision I didn't really posy anywhere. I miss him so much but I'm 999% sure I saw him out one time so he's being free like he was born to be. Godspeed o7
I gotta use this blog more, and so I shall! How do other people do it? Just play a game and have fun? Like it sounds easy"just play for fun" but I can't man idk. But then I come crawling back because any other option is just so much less appealing in my mind plus all the community surrounding the game. Then I play it and 9 out of 10 times feel like killing myself after idk man. Like yes I want to improve and have fun but when it takes effort to not cry after sets and I end up on the floor feeling like I'm better off dead after a silly bracket run like, how??? I'm trying but it seems the more I try the worse I get. Earlier hunter was talking about how you should go into games without any expectations and play to just play and all I could respond with was "lol" Yeah man let me just push aside my entire consious thought pattern for a minute and play for fun. I WISH!!!!! Love it when my brain is so garbadge that the game I care about the most is also the biggest source of suffering, or at least feels like it. The real solution is to go outside and get some fireds and/or pussy but idk how. And thats harder than being too lazy to kill myself and it's not even close. So I just keep coming back to skugs, playing a bit thinking "this is fine" then something happens and I get off and feel like I hit a new rock bottom everytime. like shoutout otg but I think thats the source of it. Playing with friends makes games fun, and they mostly play skugs, so it makes me want to play skugs, and then it loops. I've tried uninstalling and taking a break but it just takes a few days for me to forget all the bad, and then it repeats. Idk how to play games for fun i guess, and I can't bring myself to play top tiers so maybe its just over for me. Kinda funny how hard this affects me y'know? "Look at this retarded faggot, crying over video games he plays all the time" and I'm sitting here like "yeah" because idk how to socialize bro. You can't just walk up to people and say hi anymore it isn't kindergarten, then people say "oh just go to events" "meet people through common interests" like how????????? I go there, i do the event, i learn maybe one guys name, then i go home. That isn't friendship it's knowing a guys name bro. I genuinely can't remember how I met my one friend.Part of me just wants to hope it'll fix itself in college and that'll meet someone thru my dorm, or a club, or a project, or SOMETHING but the truth is I'm scared. Scared I won't be able to change and I'll do nothing with my sad worthless little life. There's 3 reasons I'm still alive today at all 1. Killing yourself is hard. 2. Furry porn. 3. Junk food. Like unironically, masturbation and binge eating are definitely some of the coping mechnisms of all time. Tbf I'd drink too if I thought I could get away with it more often but my praents stay up till like 3am and we don't have all too much booze. CLEARLY I must steal a bottle of vodka from the supermarket. It just feels like I'm outta options and then my brain tells me to kill myself, and then the world is fake, and then the feds are watching. I'm 99.9% sure I have schizotypal personality disorder and reading about it makes me go "yeah that tracks" and also "damnh that blows" because the whole gist is pressed about socializing (doesn't know how, nervous about it) but still wants too and throw on some delusions (the feds, cats are psychic) and boom. Schizotypal personality disorder! But getting diagnosed would unboutdebly make my life worse so idk. Get an excuse and have it used against me or trudge on and bet I can handle it for the few upsides not getting carded is worth. Funny thing happend today somewhat relating, I got into an argument with suna and cy over dust being in wingman. Suna said you can't play dust in wingman, i said you could. I looked it up and you can, they call it shortdust on the wiki but in the game it was called dust. eventually they were trying to be like "there is dust and dust 2" and im like "yeah thats what im saying" (especially since earlier suna said "dust isn't dust" like what??? dust IS dust?? doesn't matter the semanbtics if it is it is, cy got on my ass for something like that with unit conversions too b4) so i guess they thought when i said dust i meant dust 2 but no dust is dust, dust 2 is dust 2 and i said it a bunch of times. Especially since the whole thing started with suna saying you can't play DUST in csgo wingman like LITTERALLY you can. The part that loops around is they were calling me stupid and I was like "I'm not allowed to be stupid, but this is coming from the person who refuses to use a gun because "I'm autistic"" and the response was just "yeah" like okay bro. Sorry that your little retard card gives you a get out of being called stupid free jail. Call em out for it and it's ableist tho but its fine when you aren't diagnosed or whatever. Like I need to just act like an ableist sometimes. "I'm autistic" okay and? Do it anyways retard. Skill issue lmao. Idk man the full retards make me angry just looking at em. Insufferable wretched beasts. Maybe I watched too many 4chan retard greentexts when I was younger but idk. If you're high functioning GREAT just be normal please. If you are a mega retard stay in your little retard bubble zone or whatever. i'm probably gonna get ndestroyed if anyone reads this, springles 2 yipee. I still think they shiulda been able to stay btw I doubt they knew what it meant but whatever. If i get banned from everything call it a blewssing so I can move on to +R or a diffrent better game. My apolocheese for my retarded ass hating other retards. Is it retardation if its a mental illness? idk maybe I have both I doubt my parents woulda noticed if i was. One time I asked my mom about it and she just went "no you aren't autistic honey we would know" but they didn't get tests or anything. SOMETHING is up when your child is crying almost every day at school but what'd they do? Force me to go to child therapist for what I thought were anger issues but apparently I was cutting myself w/ sharp rocks (lol) and i KNOW i didn't wanna go because they would use it as a punishment "don't do that or we'll make you go to miss pats" (i think that was her name). Therapy blows man you try and earnestly get help and then they either are worthless and teach you to bottle up your feelings (no joke 1st one got me to do that that was like the whole thing) or call the feds on your for talking about thoughts YOU HAD. Can't trust anyone istg, nothing is real and all the fake stuff BLOWS. But the simulation wants to keep running so they give you vices and make it hard to kill yourself. One of these days I'll be free, one day. Y'know how they say be cringe and free? Does killing people count as cringe? I want to be free, but to free myself would just put me in a stronger box from without. So it all gets tucked away here :) If i could hgave the easy mental illness or retardation where I just like trains or am sad that'd be nice. Seeing ADHD people complain makes me smile because it's like "I sure bet thats tough for you buddy" and like it is for them sure, but like I can't take it too seriously and I know the same can be said for other people looking at me. "Priveleged ass white boy complaing he's sad over video games, gonna shoot up the school white boy?" and I'm like yeah probably lmao. When I can't trust my own memories, can't tell the diffrence between 2 weeks ago ro 2 months ago, and doing just about anything triggers a response from my brain ranging from "you suck lmao" to "you should killyourself nothing is fun there is no point carrying on" hurr durr I can't focus but meds solve my problem easy peasy seems like a piece of cake. Let me take the drugs that make it all go away :( I've never understood that. People talk about brave new world and the giver like dystopias. "They don't get to choose how terrible WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and I'm here like GOD I wish I lived in the givers world. Govt assigned jobs, a community who loves, cares about, and supports you, and a knowable and achievable purpose in life. THAT'S A UTOPIA BRO SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE IDGAF IF THERE'S NO COLOR SIGN ME UP NOW!!!!!! But it's fiction so I cry. Societies should be based around human happiness because I'm a human and I want to be happy. See? You can be selfish and a leftist. I want free stuff but no one will give just me free stuff so give evryone free stuiff because we can. Society sucks in the end and nothing will ever change without a revolution and people want to RESTRICT gun access??? I need me a rifle for righteous politcal revolution. Or just killing people I don't like, same diff according to some lmao. Whatever man I vented enough to be able to autopilot right into my next episode of "Is he gonna take a step towrds killing himself or is he gonna cry some more?" For legal purposes all thing stated on this page are works of fiction and do not reflect at all on the author or the views he holds.
Why can I only like games that make me want to kill myself? Tbh it's probably that I care too much "I put all this time in" etc.but like how can I not? Lemme put in hundreds of hours, and dedicate most of my free time to it and then just get shit on. Like I got to play the game then BOOM I get destryoed and i don't even know what ahppend. Like it was this for ssbu, tf2, and skugs. The never ending cycle of "wow this game is so cool i want to get into ti" "oh I need to improve but I can do it!" "How do I improve this makes no sense" "dogshit ass game never playing again I'm goign to kill myself this afternoon" and it gets faster each and everytime, worse every time. Like ssbu took me ~4 years. tf2 took me ~2. skugs might under 1 bro istg. Like tell me what to do but wehenm it's just "don't press" "blocki more" "play grounded" IT'S WORTHLESS! LIKE i'M SORRY IM RETARDED AND CAN'T FCOMPREHEND BASIC INSTRUCTIUONS BUT LIKE THIS DOESN'T HELP ME IN THE SLIGHTEST. ILL TRY IT ANYWAYS AND WHEN I GET6 CONFUSED OR IT DOESNT WORK I GET EVER CLOSER TO DOING SOMETHING. TOO MANY GODDAMN IDEAS BRO ISTG. i nmean i was crying 2day bro. like how??? how do you cry over a video game?????????????????? it wasdsnt even that bad of a loss??? i just don't knoiw whatb erlsem to do. any option makes it worse like if i try and get better it wont because I don't know what to work on (*vod reviews did jack, can't make gg8n most of the time and even then the helpn was minor at best) or njust suck it up and hope it won't finally be the day i bucke up and do something about it. cuz like qhwen i try and follow the advice, but the it doesn't work because my inputs get ate, or my reaction speed is aids, or it just is unfathomable to me what to in a scenario i can't help but feel like breaking down. video games are supposed to be fun but when all my options get me killed, and i can't get any good reward non hit it just is so hard to keep going. but my brain hates me and i come back, like i'll step away but in under a week go "damn i feel like playing skugs" only for it to repeat like a MONTH LATER BRO ISTG i don't know what5 to do. like if i could get some good advice, or even a way to i8mplement it MAYBE i could work it out but it feels like i just got bumped up from the kiddie pool and told "good look retard" and left to drown. i genuinely feel like since hunters i haven't gotten any better and its because i just dont get meaningfull advice anymore. like nho shade to akki or xillow or whoever they're trying but it just qaint my speed. i need it explained to my face word for word and "play grounded, don't press, just block" wont FUCKING work becuase im sitting here like "how, how, how" and even when i'm like "Oh but when i try and block i get hit" they say "nuh uh" like what???????????????????????? hello??????????????? ib hate myself for being like this but i hate the world more for not helping. like did y'all know that when i told the school appointeed therapist lady that i was having thought of bombing the school, she got the cops called on me? anbd they tried to lock me in the psych ward?? without mine or my parents consent?????? But they let me go to a crowded school assembly the same day with my backpack. Nevermind the fact the kid who did AN ACTUALL FUCKING SCHOOL SHOOTER THREAT got a stern talking too and thats it? [REDACTED AS TO NOT SPRINGLES] but like it'sm so over for me. I'd try and get diagnoised with schizotypal personalit5y dissorder if i thought it would do any good. Like i think i have it but whoopsie daiysys its the USA andf itl;l coist me my left tsticle and 74k to get it diagnosed only to losen jobn prospects and be treated like a 2nd class citizen. not my cup of tea ykjnowq?? so im stuck being worthless and it gets worse every day. no thanks to all the video games i play making me feel atrociuous. idk man i gotta either man up and kill people or man up and get good at video games. alas i am a lazy cunt so :/ kinda over for me bro. like idk how to put in work, never had to before. and when it feels so damn awful to even try it makes it feel not worth it. like legitimately, i was trying tio implement the strategies people told me about i.e grounded neutral, blocking more, etc i was crying dawg. like on qm. idk man. like if it gets that bad what hope is there??? DO I FIND A NEW GAME? do i drop fgs? or do i suck it up like a normal ass person who's brain isn't deadset on getting them killed. idk man i want me dead what else can i say. lik it makes sense i play games i hate w/ that context. The only reason I'm not dead already is junk food and furry porn, no joke. hedonistic pleasures in life got me NOT DEAD but they6 make my life so much worse in the long run is it even worth?? idk maybe i'll hire a hooker, write a manifesto, then interrupt a politcal speedch and kill myself. No use dying a nobody when i can spread a message right. Ted K + McNutt rolled into one would be peak. But thats for future me right. I GOTTA know what sex feels like b4 i die, maybe. might change depending onn how thingsd go from here. god iprobablly sound like such an incel loser rn. PRAYING akki doesn't read this bro. like i need to say it, and it isnt said if its not public, and i kinda want it read as a cry for help but also if theyread this its so over. like i need help, but getting help will make it worse. Therapy always does anyways. I mean if i tell anyone they'll call me acreep oir worse. so idk mqanh. might just put the neocities l;ink as my status for a day and i anyone pull thru thanks if not whoopsies. Either way don't tell me about it let me live i blissfull ignorance. Because I know I'kll be back sooner or latyer and if its sooner i dont want to deal with the "are you okays?" and the "yuou should seek profesiona helps" because i can't lol and im not. but i can't do jack shit about either so :/ I will rant and rave on m,y neocities because journling is cool or something idk man. Hopefully it helps. Final message: If i dissapear for a while google patrick henry high school suicide
Hey, I'm back! Guess this is where I go to write about how much stuff sucks, my dad said journaling helped him so when i remebered this site right before i was about to go on a walk i figured I'd write some stuff. Be all like "everything sucks lately and I can't tell anyone because if i tell them then they're gonna do stuff about it which won't help and will make me feel worse" cuz thats how i feel, y'know but like i dont REALLY wan't to talk about that so i'm jsut rable 4 a bit :) well maybe. i don't know what to talk abotu just wanted to say that everything suck right. funny thing about this is i can't tell what's worse, someone reading this or no one reading this. Because if no one reads this then whats it for, does a blog get put up if no one is around to read it? or is it worse if someone reads it and is like damn this kid is mad wacky and judges me so idrc. I'm just gonna put it up, assume someone reads it, but have the plausible denaibility of it being a complete stranger who (probably) won't contact me. I'm probably gonna go on a walk after this so thats fun. idrk anymore, I don't know anything anymore. In french class there was this teacher sitting in today and when she walked around the class for a second i got a good look at her face, couple minutes later i get one of those really big silent yawns where it lasts like 30 seconds and your eyes guy blurry and you can't see anything, and when I look over to where she was sitting i SWEAR it was a diffrent person. very similar, but diffrent color hair, diffrent eyes, and slightly diffrent skin tone. and it totally freaked me out, no enough to do anything but seeing one person then seeing another one is CRAZY. I kept trying to rationalize it but even if it was the light in the corner they were sitting the face was still wrong so i don't even know. I just kinda sat dumbfounded for the rest of class, there was a group disscusion and i just didnt talk to the people near me, luckily the teacher asked the other kids *include me* instead of asking me to join in so i was fine, they made a slight effort then and at the beggining and i totally could have chimed in but i was too busy being freaked out by the fact someone transmogrified into a diffrent person in front of me. Made me remeber one of the authors notes on all night laundry where the guy was like "yeah you traveled thru dimensions, happens to most people 2 or 3 times in their lives, welcome!" and i was like no WAY that just happend right? and I don't think it did but I have NO IDEA and NO WAY TO PROVE ANYTHING so maybe im just more insane than i was before and everything is getting worse than the day before so it's kind of over for me before it's really begun because therapy doesn't help enough and it's either way too much or they rat you out to the feds (thanks chelsey) so i can't talk about this anywhere without people freaking out over me and being useless about it. Treat me like a threat and I'll turn in to one ;3 so yeah, thats about it. Waiting for the day someone gives me a justifiable reason to beat them to death so i can feel better and get all these feeling out :)) anyways baaiiiiii
Thanks dad
and the speed at which I return to my autopilot life forgetting the trauma and FEELS i fekt just a moment before is astounding. The audeince is left agasp at the bottle it up and forget about it skill the young man possess. Despite this he will not go back to finx any typos. The crowd loses it.
So I just watched all of Angel Hare (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWUUg598wEE&list=PLDf4D84f4DIR_KAN3Sc7T76zbDtsbEV67) and wow did it just hit me. Like just wow, it hit. Idk what it was but it felt like it was almost made for me, thats not the right way to put it but it's close. Like it just fulfills some DESIRE I've had all my life and seeing that, even through the lens of another person in a fake youtube series was just surreal. Like a strange sort of whish fulfillment, for a freind to be there for you, to let you escape from where you are and give you guidance. A part of me wants to find something like that for myself but I know I can't. Right? It just hurts a bit knowing I'll never get that. Which sounds funny typing it out but still it hits just as hard. Right in my desire from as long as I've know to just be whisked away and made the star of a show with a group of freinds who'll support me no matter what. I used to imagine I would walk into the bathroom at my school and there would be portal in one of the stalls, just for me, that would take me away to the world of pokemon, or some other place like that. A place where things were interesting and I had a group of freinds to support me. All of this paints my childhood as really depressing but I can't really recall if it was or not. It seems good from a factual standpoint but thinking of it never makes me happy. I can't remeber anything really. One time I talked to my mom about it for a bit and it just hit me how I was still affected. I actually just remebered how I used to cry. Everyday. In second grade something would set me off and I would crawl under the easel board and cry. The teacher called it my "casita" or little house in spanish. HOW DID NOTHING CHANGE FROM THAT? I did it a bit in kindergarten too, I would walk out the door and cry outside. I don't even remeber doing it but i remeber my teacher talking to another teacher about how I would just walk out there myself. And I just don't recall it in particular. fuck... I know I went to therapy but I always thought it was anger managemnet issues. One day I brought it up to my mom and she told me I used to drag sharp rocks across my wrists in kindergarten. What else happend that i don't remeber? I know I threatend to kill myself in 3rd grade over a math problem. Even in 6th there was a time I just sulked under a table instead of working on a science fair project. What the hell is wrong with me man. It's not even like I've gotten better I can just bottle it up. There are times when I feel like my hands aren't my own. Like they jsut exist seperate from me. There are times when i feel likee I'm not myself, like there are many countless voices in my head and none of them are truly mke. I never even, and stilldon't really associate with my name. It isn't mine, it isn't ME. It's what people call me but it just isn't me. Maybe this is the begging of some deep seated trans arc but I doubt that. I have humanity dysphoria. Existance dysphoria, but only sometimes and I don't hget it. I do know that I hated therapy; to return to what I was talking about before. I think all she taught me was to bottle up my anger. Look where that got me, seriously condsieering burning down my school, and fantasisng of shooring up. Afraid to talk to anyone because of how they'll react. I told my parents about it before, how I would be walking to my class and think of killing the people in the hallway or walking out to the quad and mag dumping a pistol. Insead of compassion or understanding they reacted with shock and fear. It was a terrible feeling, like these thoughts that I'm strugulling with that i can't even tell if they're mine and instead of support I get almot rejected and scolded. My mom just made my pomise not to do that before anything AND SHE STARTED CRYING. GOD o selfifh it feels. Everything has been about her in retrospect. waiting HOURS outside of school for her to pick me and my brother up, "going shopping" hours after the stroe closes with no idea of where she went. I have this deepseated instinct now to just do whatever is easiest for someone else probably because of her, the way she always complains about everything. And it carriess over, I can't make anyfreind because walking up feels like I'll just bring them down. Maybe that happend too. How many times have I asked her to do something and she just disssmessed me out of hand. When we did stuff it was always what she wanted too, of course I agreed and had fun but... i don't know man. I've always wanted something to be about ME for once and now that I'm in highschool it's too late to ask. Today I sked for a referal to the districts therapy program and I pray i get accepted because the way things are going and the way typing has made me feel and the things it made me realize I might just have something wrong with me, before I would say 50/50 chance I had anything diagnosible but now I'm sure I've got something. I can't be realizing this now and not have something wrong after all this time. I do remebrr one I brought it up, the thing abiut being left outside thw school for hours and she hugged me and said she never meant to make it seem like she didn't care but i don't think she apologized. Maybe she did I don' know. My memory is terrible I get general recolections of events, of facts told to me by others about the past. I don't know. I do know that I had no good freinds. I did in preschool, but even then it was bad. I've been the butt of the joke, a fool, in all my freindships till now it feels. I was used for pranks, then i was fooled and mislead, then made a punching bag for the group and it sucks. Now it still feelss like the one freidn I have left doesns't like me for me and rathr for my mom, or my house, or just and excuse to leave his. this is hard with my brother autsitically screaming in the other room. I need to tell him tos hut up, and know I remebr how I used to take it all out on him, he would cry and i would klaugh. What a funny face he would make. For a while i would raise my hand and he would cower. I liked it and part of me till thinsk it was great. But wsince i have like no freinds njow he's the besst i've got. So i stopped hitting him, partial because of the increasing punishments m,y parents would give. and now I'm a;ll alone trauma dumping online realizng how jacked my childhood was for the third time and probablky doing nothign abtiu it. Because that's what iv'e been traind or trained myself to do. maybe now I know why I like god so much as an idea, because church was always welcoming, at least scum was, yes it's the real acronym. the people there woudln't mock or judge for aything. I really need to go more. Plus god makes me feel like I'm special, a constant supportive force in my life, an invisible one but he's there. And I gues that' how it ties around huh. The Angel Hare is what I've wanted all along and i can find that i god. and yet I can't because god can never talk to me. he can never come down and tell me it' all alright and that it's okay like gabby can (the hare) and it makes me sad. I wish I had a solid pillar in myself that i could cling on to andf talk to and have help me but I jus can't. My mom would make it about her, my brother wouldn;t care, my dad would be useless and my freind would ignore me or bruh it off. I tried once to talk to them about it but they refocused immideatel back to the conversation (which was abut them) and it jsut feels terrible. remebering everything and what's happemnd. and now I jusut can't cry anytmore. its all shove so deep and I hate oit i just want to be fre and live in peace from everything that hounds me and I hate it. I'm not safe in my room, i'm not even afe in my head. and the world expects me to keep marching on whenj I feel like I could just kill evryon and then myself. I do get omeenjoyment out of life but the only reason I'm not suicidal is because I almost died once while considering it and it scared me so bad I'm afraid of what awaits me. I know I'm a terrible human but there's nothing I can really do within my power to fix. I just realized that i can go to confrssion at my local church. that made me feel better all the time before and I pray that if i go I may lift the sins off of my shoulders and begin again. But i'm afraid i won't, I'm afraid that I'll b trapped in my sinfull wauys until the end of time. I know god forgives but can i forgive myelf, get myself to moveone to somewhere better. I don't know, and i hate. my cat just showd up. NOT NOW WITNER,,I'm pettin her it helpd a b but the feeling i still there. i wish I was the guy from angel hare. I',9i88888888m afraid I'll make the same type of discovery but instead of findin I have a guardian angel watching over me I'll find even more repressed trauma. My grandma once said that you are bron witha million guardian angels and each time you sin one leaves. I fear that mine have been gone for years and I may never get them back. I'm worried for more soul./////////////// and for the rest of my life?"""""""""""""""""""I* even as I pray and god urges me to I cannot cry. I hope he may forgive me for this. I hope the world may forgive me once I'm gone. Praise be to the lord amen May he save my sould
You sit at your computer listening to Patricia Taxxon, after finishing your previous task you give a closer listen to the lyrics of the song. It's describing someone, you think of the specific words used to describe the character in the song. It inspires you, despite or rather inspite of your lack of descriptive writing talent you decide to write something too. Before that you notice that it's getting a little hot in your room and open up your window. Almost all the way, stopping just short of the spring bean plush hanging from a suction cup. The noise of the window has awoken your cat winter. You feel bad having woken your feline companion but from the way she sits you can't tell if she's going to go back to sleep again. So you just return to your computer and leave her be. That's when you open your neoctites page to begin writing. You try to start with "It was a brisk winter evening" almost forgetting what you set out to do. You erase it when you are struck with a better idea. "You sit at your computer listening to Patricia Taxxon" you type hoping you haven't misspelled their name without bothering to switch tabs to check. The writing mood ofetn eludes you, and risking losing for such a minor thing would be a waster after all. You continue to type, speking of your inspiration to write, which laughs in the face of your current objective; you continue nevertheless. You remember opening the window so continue to on about your expiriences in the past few minutes, adding details to the piece you had never considered while doing the action. Adding details to thoughts that had only breifly occured in the back of your mind, as to make the piece longer as well as to make you as a person seem much more interesting and intelligent. After all waking you cat and going back to your computer isn't very nice. You know this while you type the words but heed in no mind. You know that you had though she was going back to sleep again somewhere in the back of your brain, didn't you? It doesn't matter now, you must keep writing. And so you write about your writing, talking about it was started and what you first wrote. You then consider how you would be able to make this piece more interesting that simply repeating the text over and over again. Then you realize you can become meta. Talk about the ways you lie and exagerate your thoughts and what that means, of course you see the irony in this. Then you pause, unsure of what to write next you fix a typo then continue with this segment. Pausing a few times to consider what to write next. With the piee cauht up to the present you are unsure of what to write next. A self contained loop perhaps? The idea occured to you earlier while writing, twice in fact. But no that would be boring to read and annoying to write.You pause again to consider more ideas. getting distracted again you open your door from the barely cat sized slot you had before to be fully open and then turn on the lights, hopeing these changes will help shift the mood, alas they do not. Sitting back down at your computer and writing about his most recent expirience you notice you cat walk across the floor, after breifly fixing a typo you turn to try and pet her. Lifting the curtains you see her, she seems suprised. You reach out your hand to pet her and she rushes over. After a few seconds she truns her head downwards, seemingly looking to jump down from the windowsill she was one. You put both you legs are ninety degree angles hopeing she'll jup on them. As you'd hoped she does. You wheel around in your chair to return to writing, petting her all the while. Then you notice her head turn up towards the desk, you've seen this exact same look before. She's going to hop on your laptop. You try to diswade her by putting your hand against her neck, she ignores you entirely and hops up on your keyboard. As a response you pick her up and set her back down on your lap, but before you know it she's back up there. She proceeds to turn on win lock, open settings, and open about 8 versions of file explorer all the while you're considering just getting up and waiting out the storm. You try to take a screenshot to share in the piece but something the cat [ressed makes the only thing your able to do is draw big red circles. You exit the screenshot window and try again successfully capturing her computer carnage. Before you can do anything else your litle brother walks in, and picks her up. Before you can even react he begins to complain about losing his ladder in steep steps, a roblox game he's taken to as of late. Apparently he had lost his ladder at 370 meters and felt it all too necesary to tell you about it. When you respond trying to give him answers he peaks at your computer screen. Quickly thereafter, once his issue had been resolved he quips that you must be writing a fanfic. For a second you thought he was going to mention that it was a website based on the coding window but no. You tell him that you're writing, he says it's a fan fic, you say it's for your website, he says it's a fanfic, you say he can read it, he says it's a fanfic, you say you'll link it to him as he walks out of your room and down the hall. Resinging to have to write all the down. Once you're done with that you are far to tired of this exercise to explain your thought process and comment on your fixed typos, of which there were three. A thought thn breily pops into your head, a thought you have to do a double take on. But is it one the readers should be made aware of? You think not deciding instead to see who even is reading. You decide that if any of the readers wish to know the thought you had the must ask you directly, on discord. Yes that would be fun and it would avoid easy public knowledge of the questions subeject, although it runs the risk of you forgetting the though you decide that you can write it down. So it's decided if the reader want to know the must DM you on discord at Octovender#4237 you then quickly check you discord tag to see if you had the numbers correct, to your delight you did. While checking your those numbers you see a message from your freind asking if you would like to vc. You, as to avoid derailing this piece any further say that you will in a few, adding that you are writing right now. Of course when you return to the piece you want to wrap it up, and maybe then eat dinner. To acomplish this end you paste a link to the screenshot aforementioned https://sillycat.pictures/1EChiLNz and end the piece saying hope you enjoyed, have a nice night
Through many days
Malignant haze
Is it wrong to say they feel the same?
I keep on trudging
With hatred mounting
Is it wrong need something to change?
/Sleep is for the weak
I hate it but I'm weak
Is it wrong to hate my body for existing?
I question my sanity
I can't know who is truly me
Is it wrong to doubt my very thoughts?
If all of this is true then I am very wrong
And I'll stay wrong until I'm gone
COD am I right? Just wrapped up the campaing of Black Ops 3 and I'm gonna talk about it! yay! First and foremost FUCK HENDRICKS. Boring ass basic ass useless ass dude frfr. ALL MY HOMIES HATE HENDRICKS. Tbh we (me and the guy I played though it with) skipped most of the cutscenes but he's such a loser in gameplay it convinced me he's the same in cutscenes. Secondly why are the achievments so rare? Did no on want to play on hardend? I'm genuienly suprised at how rare the final few level's achivements are. Anyways it's a fun enough campaign so if you have the game play it I guess. Biggest issue is HENDRICKS I mean how repetetive it is. ou kind of just end up sitting back and holding m1 on the A.I (as I did) or running past everything to the next checkpoint (as my freind did) with very little vareity in between. It's still fun though! On the condition you're using it as an excuse to hang out with a good freind, by yourself it probably sucks tbh. So that's just about everything I have to say off the top of my head! I'm writing this at 12:52 AM so these DEFINITELY aren't the most coherent of fleshed out thoughts but who cares? Probably you idk. So peace out and good night and have a good one :))
It's been a while, huh. ANyways Im gonna review All purpose Cultural Cat Gril Nuku Nuku here and go over it and its apparent diffrences between the other renditions of the IP, those being All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku TV and All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku Dash. I've only seen the first episodes of All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku TV, henceforth refered to as TV; aswell as All purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku Dash, herein refered to as Dash. I did watch all of the orignial show though. So let's get into the base review first. The show is good!It has interesting plotlines that are fun but not overly silly, but the characters are fun in just a perfect way. They have definable traits but they don't come off as over the top. Some pf them are a bit silly on paper but they way they're handled in the show makes them come across as fully fleshed out and it's great. It's unfortunatly only 6 episodes long and lacks a clear ending but it's just an overall fun show that was a blast to watch. The other 2 series under the IP of TV and DASH I feel miss the mark when compared to the original. Maybe it's because I watched them directly after finishing the 1st hoping for a straight continuation, but maybe it's because they tried to tweak the delecate character balance of the original. TV had plenty of goofy charactrs with very basic plot line that didn't try to take itself serious at all, which was one of my favorite things about the original. It knew it was a lil goofy but kept a straight face the whole time. TV throws it out of wack with Nuku Nuku's classmates all being complete charicatures and even getting dumbed down herself, the thing that bugged me the most is what they did to mishima inustries. Making it some type of evil villain thing. Even explaining it away as a whim of the owner didn't help much. It leaned too hard into goofy territory for my liking and kind of messed up the characters. I don't plan on watching any more of it but I might change my mind if I get bored enough. Now for Dash. Dash has the opposite problem as TV. It takes its self TOO seriously. They redisigned Nuku Nuku and gave her a new backstory just so that she can date Ryu. The new powers are cool but I feel they leaned too hard into the robot aspect. In the original she was basically a person with cat instincts and robot powers, in TV she seemed like a cat given intelligence and told to go to school, and in Dash she just seems like a plain ol' robot whoch ruins the whole point of the show IMO. Dash did keep my attention more than TV though and I'm considering watching it through, mosgtly because of Akiko's new role and charictarization. Seems like they're going to do a lot more with her. She still totally ruled in the original though (one thing I want to mention but couldn't fit anywhere is that if you want you can consider her relationship with Kyusaku as blackrom). Something else I feel I should mention is he hillarity of the originals english dub. I didn't l;isten to mucb of it, like maybe 1 and a hlaf minutes in the middle of the 1st episode and it was great. Everyone sounded so silly! One of the students even had noticably terrible mic quality! Because of this though I felt I should give the show a real fair shot and listend to the Japanese audio which I think wroks a lot better overall. In the end I give All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku a 8.5/10. A very fun show with a lot of character and charm but lacking in a serious overarching plot. The lack of an ending or continuation is why I'm docking it a whole point. I would ask for a new season but with nothing new coming out since the ninties and the most recent one seeming to be just kinda mid I'll refrain. If you have an afternoon to spare and like goofy cat robots I'd say you should consider giving it a watch. Maybe not the following adapatation though. Hope y'all enjoyed this lil' review. It was fun to write! I would apologise for no posting for almost a month but since I doubt anyone is following the blog I won't lol. Peace!
Had the wildest dream, in the dream I was playing overwatch, but not upright at my computer. I was running through a game of junkenstein revenge of the bride in my head, like a dream. Then in the dream I was like "Damnit why can I dream about overwatch without being asleep?" cuz in the dream i was restlessly lying in bed. The only reason I know it was a dream fo sure and not just my sleep being weird is that I woke up rested. Thanks for reading :)
Nintendo club was today, didn't do much. just played some jackbox 9. Didn't get to finish it which blows but my team totally won. Anyways that's about it. Also I decided to just leave early because I was having an episode in math class. Asked to go to the nurse, the teacher said he would write me a pass. But he took to long so I just left and took the bus home. I didn't miss anything though! I hope tommorow is better, thanks for reading! Bye now
Went to a comic con mueseum volunteer party which was cool, got a TON of free swag. Missed out on warhemmer because my mom made me late :( Also go follow dreamcarp69
Another freind came over today which was cool. We hung and watch a bit fo Happy Sugar Life which is REALLY weird. It's about this pedophile who kidnapped a kid and killed her parents fighting other pedophile to protwct her 12 year old kid. I hate it but I can't look away. I NEED TO KNWO WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PEOPLE. It's like watching a chrishchan video I hate it but i NEED to see what happens y'know? 'Nyways it was an expirience for sure, probably gonna finish with 'em eventually but it can wait for sure. So that's what happend today. Bye!
A friend was supposed to come over today but something came up and they didn't so I ended up spending the whole day playing tf2 gettin scream fortress contracts done, it was fun. Nothing too notable happend but I made a new youtube video so you should check that out. Anyways l8r g8mr.
Literature club was today, it was pretty cool. We did a thing where you starts with a random word, write a stanza with it and then pass it on after 2 minutes. It was fun! I enjoyed it but none of the poems turned out too well but I'm pretty sure we all had fun so it was cool. I also had a math test that was pretty easy, had to solve 2 problems with sigmas; yes, actual sigmas. It was pretty easy though, only 8 problems. I finished first which was cool. That's really all that happend 2day. Peace :)
1st website update yay! Trying this out for funsies after failing to make page for a school protest, idk if I'm ever gonna make anything but it was fun to try and now I know basic html! yay! So look out internet I can make dog ass blog posts now B) DON'T LET ME FORGET ABOUT THIS THIS IS COOL AND I WANT TO KEEP IT UPDATED!!!!